In going through some papers in my office I found a giant sticky note where I listed my 2016 resolutions. All two of them.
One of the items on my wish list for Christmas this year was new slippers. My old ones, that I absolutely LOVE, are falling apart. I thought ‘Santa’ might like to pick out a new pair for me.
On Christmas morning, low and behold, I got new slippers. I opened them all excitedly because I couldn’t wait to see what my new slippers looked like. I couldn’t wait to see what ‘Santa’ chose.
This morning I found myself with extra time before taking the kids to school. Everyone was fed, lunch packed and I had had alone time before everyone woke up. This NEVER happens. But I embraced it because I am prepared for the next few days and ready for Christmas with a healthy dose of enthusiasm to ‘play’ and soak in the joy and emotion of the season.
Last January I stopped drinking. I’d been having trouble with my moods and well-being. My psychiatrist was in the midst of adjusting my meds, and I was well on my way to accepting that I have a bipolar disorder that needs treated. Alcohol didn’t seem like a good companion while we were trying to find the right dosage and I was trying to sort out suppressed emotions.
Well the kids are off to school after the delay, and I made it to my psychiatry appointment.
Just a few updates in the spirit of me documenting my journey with bipolar disorder…
Last night, Sunday night, I couldn’t fall asleep because of all the to-do’s I have fluttering around in my head. I was worrying that I put too much on my plate. Then I worried that even if I do get everything done that I want to this week, my days will be packed. Then I was worrying about how many pre-Christmas moments I might miss out on with my kids because I am so fixated on all the things I have ‘to-do.’ After laying there all busy-minded for a while, I finally got up and took something to help me sleep.
Today was a shitty day.
This morning was fine but it went south when I started to let some negative emotions creep in after lunch. From there my mind starting flitting in all directions. I decided I needed to do something to distract myself so I thought I know, I’ll download my Christmas playlist onto my phone so I can listen to Christmas music while I go about my day.
I ended up accidentally messing up a bunch of things on my phone (not worth my energy getting into). That mishap was all it took to put me over the edge, that led me to eventually crying to a friend. The phone thing was the tipping point and set me off and left me feeling drained and unbalanced. From there more and more and more and more negative energy seeped in with regard to many aspects of my life. And what’s frustrating is that my life has been pretty smooth lately. Nonetheless I was hating on myself and saying very mean things about myself to myself. Ha.