After my last post, which made me all emotionally tipsy when I wrote it, but made me feel really fucking awesome when I finished it because I was finally able to synthesize 11 years worth of thoughts into 671 words. That itty bitty metaphorical story is one of the best things I have written in a while (says me).
I am not sure where I go from here.
Consider the topic said and done? Or mold and shape it for another year and expand it into an essay, or quite possibly a book proposal, adding in other components, such as mental illness, tragedy, school shootings, and the postpartum period women face?
A normal person may likely say, “WTF!?,” to all of that, but to me, it’s all connected and there is potential that I might be able to articulate it in a sensical and meaningful way someday. I am trying to find the thread (thesis, if you aren’t into metaphors) that’ll bring it all together and make me a million dollars. IF I can eloquently and prolifically put my stories into prose that’s never been done before.
These things don’t happen overnight, at least not for this bird, so I am going to hammer out my thoughts on this blog. This blog is my new best friend. Or my new Sketchpad, rather. For years I have opened a new document every month and titled it, for example, “Sketchpad – December 2015.” It’s acted as a personal idea keeper and therapeutic diary and place for me to write free from judgement. I am pretty sure it’s helped keep me out of psychiatric treatment facilities (I’m kidding. But only a little). I know for certain it’s helped me from incessantly badgering my husband about every thought I am trying to iron out in my mind.
Nonetheless, I am getting a little tired of using that method of medicinal creativity. Not that I am planning on entering a psych ward or irritating my husband to the point of no return, but I AM planning on going public. Kind of like coming out of the closet. Except not in a homosexual kind of way because that would be a weird. I don’t even know if words have sexual preferences.
Although — all of my old journals and notebooks that I have written personal thoughts in over the years, are literally in a closet. For posterity, I think I’ll take them out and set them in a box next to my computer. That way, they’ll be out of the closet, but not out of the box because I am not ready to see what they look like out of the box yet. Or maybe ever. Maybe I should just throw the box away. But that would be a waste of words. And I don’t like to waste words.
This is getting worse and worse by the word.
The point is, that with what little audience I have on this blog, to this point, I am going to “Sketchpad” publicly and see what happens. Because while all the aforementioned issues might seem unrelated, they are related to me and frequently jumbled up in my mind, causing me hindrance in my personal life. Does that make all of this a unique story to tell, or just a bunch of emotional baggage that I need to throw a way?
I am not sure yet, but I am pretty sure I am going somewhere with all of “it.” (Still working on the metaphor).
Before I go… I researched the slogan, “Loose lips sink ships,” that my Dad said to me in December 2004. It’s an American idiom that originated on a propaganda post during World War II. The poster said, “Loose Lips Might Sink Ships.” Somewhere along the way, the idiom lost the word “might,” but the meaning is the same — beware of unguarded talk.
I am pretty sure I need to get a print of this poster and hang it in my office as a reminder of everything that slogan has taught me. If that sounds vague, don’t worry it’ll be in the book proposal. And I am positive it will take me more than 671 words to explain “it.” Take heed.