Four runs, six blog posts, and two doctors

Between Christmas and New Year’s I went on four runs with my husband, posted six blog posts, and saw two doctors.

But is that a new reality for me?

Not exactly.

Those three activities took a ton of time, something that is not a luxury for as a stay-at-home-mom like me. But before I wallow in self-pity, I intend to stay focused on those three activities for a while and cut back on unnecessary “noise” to see if that helps me work them into my weekly schedule.

Then maybe I will be singing a different tune. That’s the plan at least. To be my best self and work on only the activities that keep me happy and healthy, while simultaneously affording me patience and the ability to enjoy the special moments I share with my kids everyday.

Since my husband had the week off between Christmas and New Year’s and my mother-in-law is visiting, I have worked as a “part-time” mom. Of course, a stay-at-home-mom, or a mom in general, is never really “part-time” or “off,” but I have had many atypical pockets of time to myself over the last 12 days. In this time, I have been able to make careful assessments of my life and even renewed my relationships with my kids. I went on a few outings without them and opted to stay home when they went to the library or the science museum with my husband and mother-in-law. I do those activities with them ALL. THE. TIME. No sense having three adults bearing down on them, when two other competent adults were with them. The kids time at home and on outings without me also gave my mother-in-law time with them without mommy hovering.

Most importantly, my time away from my kids gave them time to MISS ME. When I got home from being out they were eager hear what I did; when they got home from being out, I couldn’t wait to hear their stories. Their hugs felt special, and I got used to the fact, that I can leave them for short intervals and they are just fine. I’ve known that for a while, but knowing and actually putting knowledge into practice are two different things.

This whole break has been a win-win for all, really. I’d rather not have been sick for part of it, yet having a buffer with the kids gave me time to deal with the hiccups in my head. I went back to my psychiatrist, who wanted to increase one of my medications and prescribe a new one. I declined. Earlier in December she increased the only one I take, and I knew it was helping, even though I wasn’t completely better. She urged me to take more, but again, I declined. I am not anti-medication, but I do know there are alternative forms than solely prescription drugs. For me, I have identified running and writing as effective supplements. Additionally, I agreed with my psychiatrist’s suggestion to try something else — talk therapy.

So I went, and it was the best fucking brain massage I have had in years. I am totally going back. I mean, seriously? I get to talk for an hour while someone  listens to me with empathy while asking professional questions and offering insight. Sign me up. In the future, I am may consider programs or support from the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), but for now I will start with therapy.

Between the running, blogging, doctor visits, and now a talk therapy plan, I am feeling positive. My husband motivated me to run outdoors instead of hibernating downstairs on the treadmill. The fresh air and companionship did me wonders. And all the blogging has really helped clear my mind. PLUS, two doctors, now working together, are getting me back on track.

I enjoyed writing yesterday’s post, and I felt uplifted after I published it, but then this morning I read a quote by Alan Watts (Zen guy that I totally respect) that read:

“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.”

At this point, I disagree, but not without a bit of insecurity. Should I let bygones be bygones with regard to my past mental illnesses? I interpreted his quote to mean, move on with your life, though I am sure there are other ways of looking at his message.

My husband went back to work this morning. My mother-in-law goes home on Saturday. So I guess you can say, this week is my transition back to reality, and I wonder how I can keep up the momentum I have generated.  I am ready to try my best, but unsure where the new year is leading me.

Enter Dorris Day.

She nailed it when she recorded Que Sera, Sera in the mid-fifties.

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

At the end of the day, I don’t know if muddying any waters is the right thing to do, but I DO know that digging into history (in this case, song) for wisdom and guidance can only help me uncover whatever it is I am looking for.

Running, writing, doctors, medication, AND song is my new recipe for success. Lest I mention yoga, diet, and sex, but more on that another time.

Inch by inch life is a cinch; yard by yard life gets hard. (My Dad said that one).

Happy Monday.

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