Yesterday after my doctor’s appointment, which went well, I found a bench downtown outside of a coffee shop I enjoy frequenting. I chose the bench because the sunlight was shining directly on it. And even though it was only around 29 degrees I parked it there and leaned back and let as much of the sun hit my body and face as possible.


My psychiatrist is still tweaking my medicine, but I don’t have to go back for a month and I don’t have another therapy appointment for a few weeks. Until then, I plan to submit to the regular day-to-day and appreciate all the mental work I have done over the last few weeks.

Too move forward — not too high, not too low.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from pre-school pick-up and feeling good after all that sunshine, I started to hear familiar voices creeping in my mind. They were saying, Just get over these ups and downs. Keep going forward in your life. You got this. GET OVER IT. You can handle this. Be normal. Chill out. You’re fine. You’re fine. 

I’ve heard them before and come to understand them. When the medicine is stabilizing my moods, I start to think I am completely fine, and that I can “get over” the illness on my own. But what is really happening is the medicine is working. And because it is working, I start to wonder why I am on it in the first place.

Not cool. I know this isn’t true from past experiences. Part of my journey with mental illness, and what brought me to this point, is the realization that I respond well to medication and I’d be foolish not to take advantage of that.

Silence, you voices.

I was hoping for a good night’s sleep last night, but that didn’t happen. Not because I was restless, but because my daughter was awake off and on, which meant I was up and down and in and out of her bed and my bed. She was complaining that her ear hurt. I knew she was in pain and that’s always hard.

This morning we headed to the doctor. My plan to hop on the treadmill went to the wayside, and any prior thoughts I’d had about taking the kids to the discovery space museum downtown dissolved. Housework got pushed and we spent the entire morning at the doctor’s office and at the pharmacy as we waited for an antibiotic for an ear infection.

I held it together, and it wasn’t a big deal, but after we came home I felt myself start to slip and feel very drowsy and down and like I needed to lay on the couch. I put her in for a nap and dozed on the couch while my son watched a movie.

Now I feel like crap.

Probably because I hardly slept last night, took a higher dosage of medicine this morning, and then dozed in the afternoon after eating a not-so-healthy lunch. Trying to give myself a break and perk up, but now I am worrying about what the next days bring.

I know I must keep plugging along and give myself an opportunity to “come down” a little after all the mental work I have done. Not to mention that a sleepless night never works in my favor.

I am trying to have faith that I will level out over the next few weeks. I already feel better now that I am therapy writing. Now if I can motivate myself to fit in some exercise. If not, I need to realize that not everyday must come with high-energy and productivity.

Trying not to worry about the sluggishness and worry that, What if I end up on too much medication? I am trying not to let those thoughts creep in, but it’s a struggle.

I think I need more sunshine and maybe a talk with God, as recommended by a good friend (who is somehow channeling my mother).


2 thoughts on “Sunshine

  1. The struggle with medication is real – I have the same voices and tried to stop my medication a couple of weeks ago on their advice and went straight back up again. It was scary how much they are controlling my moods. We all have our bad days, and I can relate to the no sleep and drudgy need for sleep all day. It is good that you listened to your body and slowed down for a nap. Even though you felt like crap afterward. I hope the next few days level out for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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