Over the weekend I wrote over 2,000 words in three different attempts to publish a blog post. All those words went in different directions, and I finally realized that I had written NOTHING worth sharing.
I’m still lacking focus (never words), but I will tell you this, when I started this blog it was self-exploratory and an outlet for whatever thoughts came to mind that needed out of my head.
After the first few weeks it became clear that I REALLY needed to spill my guts about living with a mental illness. I’ve done that. And now I must live with it.
From here, I don’t feel like analyzing my treatment or writing about medication all the time. It’ll ebb and flow in my writing, I’m sure, but I don’t want it to be the central focus in every post.
But quickly for today, here is a simple summary of where I am at…..
- I have a mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder.
- I need to take medication to treat it.
- The medication, combined with running, yoga, writing, adequate sleep, faith, and time with my family and friends, works to keep my moods at reasonable levels.
- I struggle mostly with extreme mania, but of course, I do crash when it passes, just not for very long or at debilitating levels.
- I have to rely on my doctor as we settle on the right dosage.
- I don’t want to take more medication than necessary.
- I am well on my way to finding the sweet spot that will work for me with minimal side effects
- I still feel the regular moods and emotions that all people feel. I’m as regular as the next person, I just happen to have a mental illness. No big deal as long as it’s treated. Other than that, no one is “normal” in the grand scheme of life, right?
- I worry because I don’t ever want to be hospitalized again. Having had two psychotic episodes was scary, but its given me the power of awareness. I can recognize the signs/triggers and get to the doctor if I get sick.
- I am not there yet, but very close to having a solid grip on my outlook related to bipolar.
- That said, I want to continue to learn more about myself and others who live with bipolar.
- There is still a few people who I want to talk to about it, but then I think I’ll be satisfied with those that I let “in” on something I have kept a secret for too long.
- Mental illness does not need to dictate my life.
- I still have an ability and the power to live the life I want to. My illness is not a cop-out for anything that goes wrong, and I need not be pardoned when I make mistakes, unless they are specifically related to an episode.
- I need to join the fight against stigmas with other people living with mental illness.
- I am hopeful (one of my favorite words) about my future.
- Hooray for that.
- I need to focus on the positive in my life.
- This list will forever change and evolve as time goes by.
I am not sure where to go with this blog, but I will tell you two things, unrelated to mental illness, that happened around here this weekend. They involve the mild, sunny weather that we had over the weekend.
- I went running outside on Saturday. The stupid-good song Ice, Ice Baby came on my shuffle as I jogged. In my head, I started singing Ice, Ice Melting. Definitely strengthened my stride.
- When I got home I helped my kids into old clothes and boots. I took them outside and told them they could jump and splash and get dirty in any puddle they wanted to. It turned into a nice spectacle of them totally out of control, but having insurmountable levels of fun. Me, too, as I watched their inhibitions from being cooped up lately unleash. When my son slid and fell into a giant puddle (that ice under the water will get ya), I let him take his boot off to dump out the water. Well that turned into both boots off and drenched socks. Then it turned into both of my daughter’s boots off, and then it turned into them wildly chasing each other up and down the sidewalk and in the cul-de-sac making footprints as they ruined their socks. So be it. Life is too short to live with restrictions all the time.
I look forward to writing more on this blog as time goes on. Whatever it might be about, I hope it is somethingness instead of nothingness. But that is not a promise I am willing to make.
I don’t know if I will post as often as I have been. I don’t know if I will write about joy or frustration or both. But then again I don’t know a lot of things.
Have a good day.
Look for the good in life.