List of right now

A list day of connected and unconnected thoughts. A list of points and rambling thoughts. A list of what’s on my mind now and what might not be on my mind tomorrow. A list of exploration…

  1. I went shopping yesterday, and among some new clothes, I bought three new pairs of sunglasses. Each will serve a different purpose and cast off a different look on me this summer — a trendy pair for adult outings, a 60’s style pair for driving or the pool, and a polarized sporty pair for running. They are nice additions to the two (or more?) pairs I already own — the every-dayers and the classic black back-up pair. The sunglasses are all cheap-o’s but that’s what made it so fun to get lost in a world of tinted glass, knowing I wasn’t going to break the bank. With a few bucks I gave myself a simple boost of pleasure and acknowledged different parts of my personality. Of course, I don’t wear sunglasses when talking to people — I believe in eye contact, but in general I need them to protect my eyes. May as well be fashionable about it!
  2. Over the weekend, I moved my winter shirts to the back of my closet and pulled my summer shirts to the forefront. After that, I threw about half of them in a box and dropped them off at a Goodwill. Empty hangers are cause for a few new items, which I am certain prompted the shopping… that led to the sunglasses.
  3. I’ve written all over the walls of my life lately. Even though I haven’t been writing on this blog as much lately (I’m either outside or writing elsewhere), I realized I write A LOT. I write two different blogs, in an everyday journal, in a gratitude journal, in a journal for jotting down quotes that resonate with me, in a mood journal, in a bathroom journal, in a nightstand journal, in a planner, in an ideas journal, and on giant post-its that I write frenzied thoughts down with a sharpie after running. And none of that includes other random things I get my hands on — a used envelope, a puke bag on an airplane, napkins, paper bags, sticky notes… and on and on and on. Not to mention all the writing I do in Pages, online, docs, Sketchpads, and emails. And let’s not forget the letter writing I do! And oh boy, what about all those voice memos I create on my phone that I may or may not transcribe and/or harvest for content later in my life?!
  4. I think I have a writing problem. (Or do I? Writing is my gift… yes?).
  5. Lately, I am trying to organize these words in my mind, and in the future of my writerly life figure out a schedule of when/where to write. I don’t write in the above places and methods everyday. It’s more like a haphazard thing. VERY HAPHAZARD.
  6. I have no concrete answers about how to create a productive writing schedule/process that works for me, so I am going to keep doing what I am doing as long as it feels right. Often I think none of it will tie together or I’ll never make anything of myself as I writer (because I have too much to say. ha!).
  7. Then I force myself to silence the doubts and negativity. For the last several months I have worked hard to overcome some of the challenges I have faced in my life.
  8. I mean, look at Michael Jordan. Think of how many baskets he missed in the shadows all of the ones he made. How many games he lost behind all the games he won. I think I have many balls in the air (words on the pages) — not sure which ones will “swish” through the hoop yet (be published) and if they bounce off the rim (rejections), I’ll keep trying until I put points on the board (get my name in print for a profit).
  9. As I turn this thing (mental illness) around, I am daring myself to reach new levels of happiness. To learn how to live and let the negativity about myself out of my head. To show all sides of myself to the world. To be free to face my truths. To keep working hard to heal and let go and put forth more effort into my life like I know I have the ability to do. To break down the barriers that are holding me back. To stop dwelling on the bad in life and start focusing on the good. To change my INTERNAL way of thinking to match the external way of thinking that I greet others with. I am going to listen more, wallow less. I am going to be mindful about what I read and how I spend my time. I am going to be polite. I am going to try to be more patient. More present. More me, the me I want to be, which is a less anxious person about taking chances and the unknown.
  10. I’m in between books and trying to figure out what I want to read next. At the moment I am browsing Reader’s Digest before bed. I enjoy the snippets and short stories. Mostly they are informative, light, or human interest stories. It’s a good place for my readerly mind. I really want to start reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I definitely think that is next. I just feel like a need a little distance between Never Broken by Jewel to process everything I gained from that book. My brain has worked hard and my mental capacity is pretty full. I need to let some of my thoughts settle and give myself time to apply what I am learning before I delve into the next topic.
  11. An interesting piece I read in Reader’s Digest was about how your body is WHEN you eat, not what you eat. I found it very interesting to read that fasting at night for at least 12 hours (!!) is good for your body and that breakfast is just that — a break from fasting. Last night I tried it. Though a 10 hour fast is probably more realistic for me, it was fun to get up and make pancakes with my daughter and eat hard-boiled eggs on the side since a big breakfast is warranted after the fast. It was a nice break from eating a measly bowl of cold cereal. I guess I’ll have to *try* to forgo my late-night ice cream and eat dessert with my kids if I can commit to this plan. I look forward to prioritizing big breakfasts and seeing how that affects my health/mood. I am all about doing what is best for my mind and body these days. MIND. BODY. Practice good behaviors, make smart choices, and stay focused on being my best self, I silently chant inside.
  12. I’ve fallen behind on almost all the blogs I read, I haven’t logged into Twitter in weeks, and my social media usage has declined drastically, but that’s ok because I am working through a lot. Getting off the computer and living a simpler, undistracted life is important to me lately. There will be a time and a place to “get back to work,” but for now, I need space.
  13. I’ve made more progress on going through boxes from my old bedroom and the remaining boxes from our move. At this point, I have categorized and organized and thrown out everything in my ‘junk room,’ that is now organized and tidy and pleasing to my eyes. I still need to go through some of it, but I’m at a happy place for now. It has felt good to get rid of things. It’s definitely creating more space in my life for new things that I am strategically choosing to add to my life. I am paying close attention to what I need, what I buy (like all the must-gave sunglasses!!), and what memorabilia I save. It’s been fun to make those assessment and not just fly around like a chicken with my head cut off, aimlessly gathering things that I don’t need or that clutter my world. An organized life leads to a creative mind.
  14. My office is the next area that I need to tackle. Shelves of books and files and milk crates of old school work dating back to high school surround me. I like it this way for now — it fuels the historian/librarian part of me. But eventually I want to clean it up. I’ll get there…
  15. My kids’ last day of pre-school is June 1. From now until that day I am going to try to identify 3-4 things (TBD) that I keep at the center of my life this summer. I’m going to do things with them (pool, parks, adventures, festivals, get-aways as they arise). I’m going to exercise. I’m going to write, even if only in my journal with a pen. Once I fine-tune my agenda I am going to do my damnedest to not lose sight of my summer plan. Even if that means putting blogging on hold. Over the next few weeks I am going to get to a peaceful place with my ambitions and my frustrations and then I am going to live. To try to relax, to table my anxiety.
  16. Even if that means choosing an evening walk, a movie on the couch, or being lazy about working on my computer, I think some sort of break will serve me well. I’m still going to keep my mind open to what is around me, but at a slower pace.
  17. The movie Troy, based on Homer’s The Iliad, interested me recently. The story line about what the kingdoms of Troy and Sparta fought for — love (interwoven with power) — was fascinating. The strong beliefs and loyalty on both sides was admirable. I actually own The Iliad — picked it up at a used book store a long time ago with the intention to read, but I never did. Maybe The Iliad will be my next book… I am curious to read more about the faith in the Gods during that time. In high school and college I blew off The Bronze Age and The Trojan War, but as I get older and healthier history has more educational value to me.
  18. I am open to learning about new ways of life — past and present — and finding the threads that connect time periods. I am paying attention to how I was raised and where some of my choices stem from. I remember when I was a freshman in college and I was asked to list three attitudes, three values, and three beliefs. It was a HUGE question then. I don’t think I had a clue how to respond. Heck, I am still answering those questions, but I am on the verge of tightening up my response.
  19. I am feeling motivated and inspired to leap to a new level of happiness by acknowledging who I am and who I am not. To take a strong stance. To recognize opportunities.
  20. I am still unraveling and weaving my experiences and memories and thoughts and finding truths that will help me define my attitudes and values and beliefs. I am trying to make something beautiful out of my messy life.
  21. Last night, I read a fitting piece by Kelle Hampton before I sat down to blog. It hit close to home. She wrote about the Colors Outside of the Cave. More and more, I am coming out of my ‘cave.’
  22. The sun is bright and lovely and I am SO glad I have new sunglasses to wear as I embark on new adventures.
  23. Today my thoughts are scattered (and filled with choppy/incomplete sentences and passive voice– eek!) in this “List of Right Now”, but that’s what makes them real. They are self-exploratory, and what makes them (somewhat) cohesive is that they are all coming out of the same brain — my brain.
  24. To that end, I refuse to criticize myself.

 

2 thoughts on “List of right now

  1. On number 9, I am with you. I need to learn how to be with this disorder and that is why I took a break. It was an unconscious break, but I feel like I need to find some level. Even if that level is uneven. It sounds like you have a lot going on and much to still happen. I like the food thoughts, I will see what my rate of fasting is. I think mood is to an extent affected by food so keen to do anything to maintain some degree of clarity. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

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