This morning on the way to school I got all the way downtown near my daughter’s preschool and suddenly realized my son was still in the backseat, which meant I completely forgot to drop him off at his school. I have to drop him off first because his school starts earlier.
Fuck, I thought as I was completely roused from my daydream and the beat of a good song on the radio. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now he’d be late. At first I was going to keep heading to my daughter’s preschool and at least get one of them to school on time. But I didn’t. I veered off course and back to the elementary school. He was 9 minutes late. Not a big deal, but a wake up call for me.
I am fucking distracted and rattled about new stuff that I am trying to deal with. I’ve gone from poised to agitated to rattled and I don’t know what’s coming next. Part of me feels like I have the power to discuss this issue that’s haunted me for years. I mean, I had a good outcome after I talked and wrote openly about being bipolar. It was such a huge and healthy release. Then I had a good outcome after I talked to my Dad about some serious stuff (I no longer feel anxious around him) and another good outcome after I talked to my brother (We have gotten really close since then). All these bottled up emotions and feelings seeped out of me in all three of those situations and I felt better.
I’ve been doing really good since then. Feeling healthy and happy. But now this. Another hurdle from my past that I am trying to put to rest. Find closure. Deal with. Move on. But this situation is scary. I’ve lived with it for a long time and at times it’s been totally buried and that’s been just fine. But now it’s been triggered and I am experiencing major discomfort.
What to fucking do about it?
After I hauled ass back to the elementary school and told the administrative women that I completely forgot to drop him off until I realized he was still in the backseat once I got downtown, they both started cracking up. I laughed with them. It was funny. A very human funny mistake. I can appreciate that and had no problem telling them exactly what had happened. Honesty. And I wasn’t embarrassed by it. I owned up to it. Ta-da. See how that works.
So now what… ?
Last night, I told my husband in short what I was bothered by but he didn’t have much to say and didn’t give me much attention. So it’s up to me, I suppose. Not that I have to do anything this second. But I am living with this sort of reckless urgency. Which I know now is a symptom of bipolar disorder. How to deal… how to deal… Time? Probably not a bad idea, but I know what’ll happen. It’ll get buried again and I am fucking tired of that.
Should I wait though? I am now tormented.
Poised… agitated… rattled… and now tormented. WTF.
What is my heart telling me?
Too hard to articulate.
A week ago in yoga I felt this “thing” loosening inside me and thought it was gone, but it lingered at my finger tips. Still, it loosened out of my chest. I thought it’d be gone after the weekend, but nope it’s still here.
I’ve cried a lot over it… Saturday night… Sunday afternoon… Sunday evening… (No tears on Monday)… yesterday (I prayed and prayed as I cried)… No tears yet today, but it’s early.
I’m at the library downtown, my happy place. Now that my kids are both at school I have a little time. I should be going through emails and working on some essays I’ve written and send a submission to one of the writer’s group I am in, but it’s simply not going to happen.
Another thing that isn’t going to happen is that I’m not going to make it to my son’s school tomorrow to help with a fundraiser. I just can’t do it. I am too fucking distracted and drained. Not participating in either of these things is a not a big deal. In fact, good for me for recognizing that I can’t handle it and that the world won’t set on fire if I don’t take part. I mean, good for me for having learned this. No need to put unnecessary pressure on myself when I am feeling the way I am.
But I hate feeling like I can’t keep up and I hate feeling rattled. It throws off my equilibrium. My house is a wreck, too. Majorly dirty toilets and sinks and the house needs vacuumed. But I am too much of a basket case. My appetite is a mess now, too. I am not eating right and definitely not enough. I feel like I should make a therapy appointment. My next one is the 21st. Not that far away. Surely I can hold myself together until then.
But the urgency. The thrill/release I am sure I’ll get if I act reckless. And quite honestly a cigarette sounds good right about now as a way to cope. I’m not going to smoke one because I know that’s not the answer, but goddamnit I’m sure it’d give me a release. A temporary fix.
Maybe publishing this blog post will help. Writing is certainly a feel-good drug of mine and has been an extremely productive way to deal with my issues. I hope flushing all of this out helps. It’s raw and honest and what I am feeling now.
I suppose this whole mess inside of me is all part of being human. We all have our “things” right? I just want to make this one go away. I honestly feel like this is my last big hurdle in my recovery/heeling process and I’d love to get on with my life and do good things in my life for others instead of feeling like a rattled ball of nerves.
What to do, what to do?
I have to take care of myself.
Go for a walk? Phone a friend? Have a cup a coffee? Or is that all just avoidance?
I’m going to hit publish, count to ten, and go from there.