Well the kids are off to school after the delay, and I made it to my psychiatry appointment.
Just a few updates in the spirit of me documenting my journey with bipolar disorder…
- I was 100% honest with her about how I have been feeling on the inside despite outward appearances.
- She is increasing my meds.
- I cried.
- I am not happy about this.
- But I know SHE IS RIGHT to do so.
- Another sign of my acceptance, I suppose.
- I have been having a hard time with hypomania and hypergraphia and feeling emotionally drained and on constant overdrive. (This mornings post is a good example of my racing and disorganized thoughts).
- I am optimistic the increase will slow me down a bit and center my thoughts.
- I lost weight.
- I talked to her about trouble sleeping.
- I talked to her about what triggered me in October and how I’ve recognized that and how I have been ‘crying out’ more from the past.
- She said that’s good, but I can’t let it overpower me. I can’t let it continually distract me from my present life.
- I’ll get there. This is just another step I have to take.
- The increase is probably also good preventive care to help me handle the holidays and all the things that brings on.
- The increase is probably also good preventive care to help me manage the winter blues when they show up.
- I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel hypomanic.
- Starting tomorrow I’ll make a small step up in meds, and in a week another jump. Then I’ll stay at that dosage for six weeks until I have to see her again.
- Not the end of the world.
- I have a therapy appointment on Friday. She advised me to talk about how I feel about the med change. In the past I have REALLY struggled about taking mood stabilizing meds, but I truly know I need to.
- More learning. More empowerment.
- I told her I wanted to start writing about my experiences with psychosis after Christmas. She said, no way, it’s too soon. Bummer. She said to write about other stuff. Hmm. I’ll think about that. I am just eager to write my story in its entirety.
- I’ll get to it. Doesn’t have to be now. Doesn’t have to be now.
- I curse my ambition.
- I am still uncovering things from the past. More stuff about my Dad and what was interwoven during the 15 months I kept his affair a secret.
- The more distance I get from everything I have been through, the better. I may even find my psychosis, at least parts of it, laughable someday. I’ve survived and am continually understanding it and making sense of it and I’ll be better all the better for it. Soon. Soon, I hope. Maybe 2017. Maybe now isn’t the time to plow through this.
- I am still healing from some of it. It’s not all laughable. It was painful and hard and confusing.
- Slow down.
- Deep breaths.
- Take things off your plate instead of adding them.
- ENJOY AND EMBRACE THE CRAZINESS OF THE NOW.
So all in all a good appointment even though I feel like I am surrendering to bipolar once again. I have to stop looking at it that way though. I have to look at it in a way that says I am continuing to make positive steps on how I manage it with professional help. It’s bigger than me.
Now then. Time to do a little housework before preschool pickup. Nothing spells out reality quite like cleaning a toilet.