Welcome to my blog.
This is the space where I let ‘er rip, as my thoughts come tumbling out of my mind and through my fingertips onto the screen. I write in “raw form” as I harness (or not) the running dialogue in my mind and turn it into blog posts. My stories are written in frantic prose with little attention to grammar, language, or second-guessing myself.
I created this blog in December of 2015 as an exploratory outlet for some of my most personal thoughts. Quickly this blog became a place where I release my thoughts about living with mental illnesses. I was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder in 2011 after having my first psychotic episode. Prior to that I struggled with anxiety, hypomania, and depression.
Since these words didn’t exactly fit into the persona of myself that I wanted the world to see, I closeted much of what I was dealing with and made it was impossible for anyone to help me. I hid from my problems and was uncooperative, at times, with doctors, which put me through a lot of unnecessary suffering and dangerous situations.
For years I fought with myself inside my brain, determined to beat “this thing” with will-power because I didn’t want anyone to know that I had an illness. Not only that, I did not have the knowledge about mental illnesses to know that my racing thoughts and extreme mood shifts weren’t normal. I closeted how I was feeling because of shame and embarrassment. Stigmas ruled my world.
When the mania/depression/anxiety got bad I isolated. When I had a grip on my life I projected the glowing appearance of a happy, high-functioning person. Or at least that is what I tried to do.
Since starting this blog, I am in the process of opening up about my illnesses, reaching out to others, defeating denial, learning more about mental illness, and delving into painful experiences. Although my feelings are complicated, convoluted as I recall memories, and hard to dissect, I am examining my life through writing to free myself of the burdens and confusion.
In doing so, I am determined to catapult myself into a bright new and healthy future, free of stigma. I want to live an open life where I can be me. Just me. No shame or secrets.
I hope that by writing my stories I can reveal how situational traumas, coupled with a genetic predisposition, play a dual-role in diagnosing mental illnesses. I hope there are takeaways for readers by my unveiling what it is like inside the brain of someone living with a bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder.
Currently I am healing and on the road to recovery. I want anyone struggling with mental illness or touched by mental illness to know that you can come out on the other side. I want people to understand the power of a treatment plan and that help is available. I intend to share any lessons that I learn that could benefit others struggling with mental illnesses and/or bearing similar scars.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.